Who is Milford Crabtree ?

Milford Crabtree is now on Twitter

2011-06-15T13:07:00.000+01:00

We've just discovered that Milford Crabtree is now on Twitter. You can follow him here.

Code

2010-08-31T21:19:00.000+01:00

Branding yourself with the 90210 short code is new and innovative AND you can make a living!

Crabtree Quote Nº 20

2010-07-27T21:15:00.000+01:00

Make love, not Walls sausages.

Milford revealed?

2010-02-05T13:57:00.002Z

Our thanks to Henry Kott for this background piece on Milford:

Crabtree is the son of a Scottish father, Andrew Crabtree of Glenmorangie, and a French mother, Monique Courvoisier. The boy Milford Crabtree spent most of his life abroad, becoming multi-lingual in German and French, because of his father, a salesman, who travelled, in ladies undergarments. Milford becomes an orphan when his parents die in a climbing accident in the Alps, at the age of eleven years.

The Crabtree family motto is sufficit Orbis (Latin for "peace is not enough"). This dates back to an ancestor Thomas Crabtree, although his relationship to Milford Crabtree is not clear. "This is an excellent motto of which I, of course, am proud," said Milford Crabtree curtly. He looked pointedly at his watch. "Now, I'm afraid we really must get to work. I must declare my department."

After the death of his parents, he continues to live with his aunt, Miss Chardonnay Crabtree, in the village of Upper Scrotum, where he completed his pre-school education. He later briefly attended Eton College at around 12 or so, but withdrew after four terms because of problems with a girl from the town. He is said to have lost his virginity at the age of sixteen years on his first visit to Paris. Crabtree is removed from Eton and sent to Fettes College in Edinburgh, Scotland, to the school of his father. According to Pearson, Crabtree briefly attended the University of Geneva.
Service in the Royal Navy
After university Crabtree joins the Royal Naval Volunteer Reserve rising to commander. He maintains this rank in British intelligence.
After joining the RNVR, Crabtree is sent to the United States, Hong Kong, and Jamaica, and joined other organisations such as the SOE or SIS 00-section, or as head of an undercover unit of the Royal Naval mission behind enemy lines at times of hostility.

Crabtree is a civil servant working in the Department of Defence as a Principal Officer, the civilian equivalent of capital appreciation in the Royal Navy.

Crabtree earns his 00 status after two ‘tasks’; first, the murder of a Japanese spy, on the 36th floor of the ARC at the Rockefeller Centre in New York, and for the murder of a Norwegian double agent who betrayed two British agents. Crabtree travels to Stockholm with a knife and killed a man in his sleep.

Milford Crabtree is reserved about his licence to kill, if the mission can be achieved without killing, he will disobey orders and not kill if he doesn’t feel it to be necessary. Milford Crabtree is haunted by memories of a Mexican gunman that he killed with his bare hands early in his career. Crabtree hates those who kill non-combatants, including women. It was part of his profession to kill people. He never wanted to do so, but when he had to kill he did so because he knew how and why. As an undercover officer, who holds the rare Double-O prefix - a licence to kill - it is his duty to be cool and treat death like a surgeon. If it happens, it happens. Regret is unprofessional – “worse still it is the beetle was awaiting death in the soul. Nevertheless, he kills, if necessary. Crabtree has a casual attitude toward his death, acknowledging that he may be killed if captured.

Crabtree Quote Nº 19

2009-12-29T20:18:00.001Z

You dirty Rattus Norvegicus

George Carlin quote

2009-10-26T15:13:00.001Z

“Phew! That’s not even one of my farts! I told you, I’ve got four farts. My Heineken fart, my broccoli fart, my rice-pudding fart and my dairy-cream fart. And the fart I’m smellin’ right now is definitely not one of mine. It must be one of Milford Crabtree's. I'd know his farts anywhere.”—the late, great George Carlin,

Crabtree Quote Nº 18

2009-09-25T22:43:00.001+01:00

"Patents are a virtue"

Elvis

2009-09-22T22:41:00.000+01:00

Milford's twin brother, Elvis, was spotted recently at Stringfellows. Takes all sorts!

Crabtree Quote Nº 17

2009-08-29T16:54:00.001+01:00

"God is a concept by which we measure our drains"

Crabtree Quote Nº 16

2009-07-07T22:20:00.000+01:00

"Masturbation is the sincerest form of flattery"

Crabtree Quote Nº 15

2009-04-28T13:59:00.001+01:00

“A nod’s as good as a wink to an auctioneer.”

Crabtree Quote Nº 14

2009-03-05T13:25:00.000Z

"Cleavage makes the heart grow fonder."

Milford's knob

2008-10-11T23:11:00.000+01:00

Crabtree Quote Nº 13

2008-09-11T20:30:00.000+01:00

"When a man is tired of anchovies, he is tired of life."

Stiegl Lincolnwood

2008-07-30T14:00:00.000+01:00

Stiegl Lincolnwood, an illustrious member of the Sealed Knot, an Estate Agent of repute, and friend of Milford Crabtree’s has been seen walking out arm in arm with Milford’s erstwhile Russian girlfriend. Cheeky Stiegl!

New position for Milford

2008-07-26T14:20:00.002+01:00

It's just been announced that Milford Crabtree has been elected honorary chairman of the British Masturbation Academy.

Congratulations Milford!

Crabtree Quote Nº 12

2008-07-18T20:31:00.001+01:00

“If you stare at the Abbess long enough she’ll stare back at you.”

Norman Guzwang has died

2008-01-31T12:42:00.000Z

Milford's old friend and mucker Norman Guzwang has passed away.

I think Milford Crabtree summed him up best when he said, "A generous man, giving of so many things. Always ready to cadge a drink, or a favour. I shall miss him from the heart of my bottom."

RIP Norman.

Crabtree Quote Nº 11

2007-12-02T21:38:00.000Z

Marley was dead to begin with,
the goons in Department S do a good job !

Greek Adventure

2007-10-06T08:58:00.000+01:00

It appears that Milford Crabtree has been serving Queen and country in the Mediterranean of late.
Keep it up Milford !

Link

Ownership issues cited by Crabtree

2007-09-18T09:41:00.000+01:00

Before his father died, Robert Sr. was the car dealer and "Joey was the operator in Surrey and I was the operator in the far east," Milford Crabtree said. ...

Crabtree Quote Nº 10

2007-09-13T16:14:00.000+01:00

Daz and Tide wait for no man.

Milford Information

2007-08-24T08:46:00.000+01:00

Mentioned in dispatches and decorated on a number of occasions Milford Crabtree has served queen and country for over thirty years. Lost behind enemy lines in the first Iraqi conflict, he surfaced three months later in Istanbul with a smile on his face and an irritated John Thomas. Those three months are still covered by the official secrets act.

Speaking five foreign languages and a master of disguise it was inevitable that Milford would come to the attention of MI6 headhunters.

A man of letters, known for his ready wit and useful sayings, Milford Crabtree is often quoted.

Little is known about his background but rumour has it that he is the black sheep of a family of old school landed gentry. He has been known to tell people that he is 42nd in line to the throne. Not sure if it’s got something to do with the Monarchy or Ideal Standard !

Always one for the ladies and in times of hardship befriending the odd sailor, Milford has rubbed shoulders, and other parts of his anatomy, with those in high places. He has seen active service in the Andes.

Not much else about him is in the public domain. So we are still left puzzling over ‘who is Milford Crabtree ?’.

The Milford Crabtree Google Group

2007-08-17T10:47:00.000+01:00

The Milford Crabtree Google Group is up and running. Please pay a visit, and please join.

click here...

Monarch Ketchup

2007-08-14T10:34:00.000+01:00

Ah ! Monarch ketchup, Milford Crabtree's favourite:

Black Propagana

2007-08-01T10:56:00.000+01:00

Agent Smith writes:

"Millford Crabtree is merely the British name used by an enemy agent when
operating on British territory. In Italy, he uses the name Julio
Scarlotti, and in Austria, he is Hans Schlacht, or sometimes Hans
Auschwinger, which was his adopted mother's maiden name.

He was an illegitimate child born to a Viennese teenager in 1930.
Raised at the Austrian Sisters of Charity Orphanage. He was adopted by
the rich couple Kurt Schlacht and Maria Auschwinger. During the War,
Kurt and Maria became envoys to Mussolini's Italy, and were hanged as
war criminals after the allied victoy. A screw up in military orders
allowed the youth to be present at the hanging, and he was forever
changed by what he saw. He is now an evil enemy spy, roving Europe,
running operations for any villain who can meet his price, if they need
an attack made on the west. "

This is simply not true, but in the world of espionage lies like this will be perpetrated.

Have you seen this man ?

2007-07-22T18:26:00.000+01:00

What happened to Quote Nº 8 ?

2007-07-05T21:36:00.000+01:00

Ooops !

Here it is Milf fans:

"Breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, dine like Oliver Cromwell"

Crabtree Quote Nº 9

2007-06-10T11:31:00.000+01:00

"Float like a butterfly, sting like soap in your eye."

Milford Crabtree officiating

2007-05-15T21:52:00.000+01:00

(Brant Funeral Service - Portsmouth, Ohio) Obituaries
Milford Crabtree officiating. Interment will follow in Memorial Burial Park. Close friends and family may call at the Brant Funeral Home in Portsmouth from ...

Please help us

2007-05-14T12:22:00.000+01:00

Please help us in our quest to find the answer to the question:

Who is Milford Crabtree ?

Please ask the question of others, please put a link to our site, please just spread the word.

Milford where are you ?

2007-05-12T12:02:00.000+01:00

The Earth Blog : Giving The Earth A Future - Bravenet Blog
Posted by Qoute:. “No man is an island, but he can be a peninsular.” – Milford Crabtree. Monday, January 22nd 2007 @ 1:54 PM ...

Crabtree Quote Nº 7

2007-05-05T21:46:00.000+01:00

"There’s no such thing as a free lunch,
but a BOGOF on Pot Noodles is not a bad deal."

Crabtree Quote Nº 5 - The T-Shirt !

2007-05-03T21:57:00.000+01:00

buy the t-shirt

Big Girl's Blouse

2007-05-02T22:01:00.000+01:00

The silkworm's silk comes out of its mouth as a thread of gooey liquid. So that nice silk blouse Mrs Crabtree spent a fortune on is really just wormspit.

Milford Crabtree seen dancing on the Moon with Elvis Prestley

2007-04-25T16:56:00.000+01:00

We're currently in a bidding war with the Sunday Sport for Sadie Bains' kiss and tell story. Sadie is an ex-girlfriend of Milford's. If we don't win, as we suspect, then we'll just make something up !

Stigged

2007-04-16T21:31:00.000+01:00

Some say his farts are like the Mistral,
some say he can pull his foreskin over his head.
Who knows ?
All we know is he's called Milford Crabtree.

Milford in Dublin

2007-03-29T14:22:00.000+01:00

Dermot O'Toole spotted Milford exiting the The Ha'penny Bridge Inn last night in a relaxed manner !
Thanks Dermot

MySpace

2007-03-26T11:08:00.000+01:00

Our thanks to Faustino Boggs for letting us know that Milford has his own MySpace. You can find him here:

http://www.myspace.com/milfordcrabtree

Crabtree Quote Nº 6

2007-03-18T14:33:00.000Z

"If you are in a quandary,
stop digging."

The Milford Sketch

2007-03-12T21:52:00.000Z

Here's an artist's impression of Milford Crabtree, circa 1980:

Crabtree Quote Nº 5

2007-02-25T00:16:00.000Z

"Lloyd George knew my father,
But not in the biblical sense."

A Different Milford Crabtree

2007-02-16T09:59:00.000Z

Milford B. Crabtree was born Feb. 28, 1891 in Lee Co. Va. the son of George Crabtree and Rebecca Ann Litton. Milford Died May 20, 1910.
"Short Life"...

A Sighting

2007-02-04T19:20:00.000Z

Our thanks to Giles Sloth for his e-mail:

"I've just seen Milford Crabtree on the front at Clacton. At first I thought it might have been Lobby Ludd and I was all ready to claim my five pounds, but as I got nearer I noticed it was Milford. He was violently scratching in the wedding tackle area. Betty Swollocks most likely."

That sounds like our Milford. Thanks Giles.

Thanks Alexius !

2007-01-28T17:47:00.000Z

"Mrs. Weasley took a piece of buttered toast from a stack on the kitchentable, put it into the fire tongs, and transferred it into Mr. Diggorysmouth."

Crabtree Quote Nº 4

2007-01-22T20:36:00.000Z

We thought it time for another gem:

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, kick him in the goolies."

E-mail from Milford (Part II)

2007-01-15T21:47:00.000Z

The second riveting post from our friend 'Hobbs':

Yet when we have the courage and preparedness to say 'yes', amazing things can happen. Accepting the gift with honesty and appreciation is a wonderful gift back, though mainly unspoken and intangible. Go on, give this simple rule a run this week! It's like saying, 'Well, well, how wonderful that someone appreciates what I do sometimes, you are so kind for giving me the feedback that what I do is valued'. So, I said 'Thank you, I appreciate that you have made this gesture, and I'm very grateful'.

We look forward to your next e-mail Milford !

E-mail from Milford (Part I)

2007-01-12T20:22:00.000Z

We've had an e-mail from Milford under one of his codenames, 'Hobbs'. Here it is:

At the end, everyone was provided with a substantial piece of apple pie and offered thick dollops of cream from a jug. Sometimes you can combine 'active' with 'break' very inexpensively. Putting timers on indoor lights to suggest that someone is home at night can also help mask travel plans. So making sure that you do more of what you enjoy and are naturally good at makes us feel great and realise that we are contributing, truly and making a difference somewhere. Then you truly can have the cream in your business relationships - and it will, I promise you, taste really good! Someone said, in a flippant moment, 'Exciting things happen when you say 'yes'', which I thought was quite interesting and likely is quite true as well. This constant squeezing of our comfort in our own skin can make us feel despondent and unhappy.
That can apply to anything. Putting timers on indoor lights to suggest that someone is home at night can also help mask travel plans.

Milford, we couldn't agree more !

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode.

Schooldays

2007-01-10T16:54:00.000Z

We’ve had a communication from one of Milford’s old school friends:

“I was at school with Milford Crabtree. Ugly bleeder. Always breaking wind due to being a big fan of the old baked bean. He came unstuck though one day early on in his school life. It was in the days when we were still wearing short trousers; he came up to a group of us and did the loudest fart that we’d ever heard. Result, he shat himself. We all laughed but Milford burst into tears. He wandered round and round the playground crying as the diarrhoea ran slowly down his leg. Don’t expect he’d like to be reminded of it now.” - Doris Newbold

Thanks Doris for sharing that with us.

Crabtree Quote Nº 3

2007-01-07T23:06:00.000Z

"Like revenge, spam is a dish best served cold."

Milford's Odd Trick

2007-01-06T23:08:00.000Z

It doesn't take many drinks for Milford to do his party trick - The Elephant.
Pulling out the inner part of his trouser pockets, unzipping his flies and getting his knob out he is usually heard to say "Ladies, meet Nelly the Elephant".

Crabtree Quote Nº 2

2007-01-06T09:49:00.000Z

"Religion is the Ovaltine of the people."

Øld Bill

2007-01-02T09:45:00.000Z

Apparently Dutch police "had a word" with him, but he hasn't been charged !

Unconfirmed Sighting

2007-01-01T17:09:00.000Z

We have an unconfirmed sighting that he was seen in an advanced state of inebriation, on New Years Eve, urinating from a bridge into the Amstel, in Amsterdam.

Crabtree Quote Nº 1

2006-12-29T13:02:00.000Z

“Masturbation is not a spectator sport ! “

Help

2006-12-18T21:30:00.000Z

If you can help with any information about Milford Crabtree please let us know.

Tell us here.

Favourite Condiment

2006-12-16T22:46:00.000Z

We suspect his condiment of choice is Monarch Ketchup !

The Beginning

2006-12-16T16:40:00.000Z

I've recently received an e-mail from Milford Crabtree, or so I thought.
Milford Crabtree - great name.
Upon further investigation it is not from the mysterious Milford Crabtree but Alisha.
It reads:

I was right, I told ya so - heres the link. http://www.suncoastrewards.com/ref44.html
You're able to download dvd movies, console games, music. I was able to find at least 85 of my favorite CD's
You should see how many they have in there - its crazy.
They show you how to burn all the stuff you want to CD.
I saw a few areas of the movie section, and found titles in there still in theaters - it's nutty.
I'll call later.

I'm still waiting for Alisha, or even Milford, to call !

Do you know Milford Crabtree ?